Mason and a guitar. Good stuff.

This is one of those times when I should be asleep but am not.
It has kind of been one of those weeks when I just want to give up and let the world run me over. Maybe it has just been one of those days, and I am seeing the week in retrospect through the lens of today. I don't feel like I did my job very well at work today. I feel like it has to do with something unrelated though. You know when somebody blows up about something trivial and you know there is something else going on? I think that was my day today, but it more like blew up in my face I guess. I just couldn't really handle the little things that I usually don't even think twice about because they are so insignificant. All well. My next day will be a better day.
One day I was talking to my brother Jake about how he manages to keep up all his projects at the same time and he explained that there would be nights that I would not be able to sleep after Clover was born... I would just kind of be awake thinking about the world and worrying about crap. Tonight is one of those nights.
This is going to be a post about Mason. I would like to preface it with a statement that will help to clear up the in between the lines feelings I am hoping are expressed through this post.
Mason. I consider him my son. I call him my son. I feel like he is a son of mine, and as such, I love, treat, and care for him like... my son.
Having Mason join my family in a more intimate sense has been an adjustment to say the least. Although I would rather not go to court to be able to provide for him with the best of my abilities, it is something that must be done. The date is set for Wednesday morning. Two days away. I am not sure about how much I should share, I am kind of a compulsive bean spiller. I guess I will do my best to just keep it to the highlights. My cousin is a single mother who has been blessed with Mason at a time in her life when she is still kind of unsure who she is, and where she herself stands in this place called life. She is currently working her way through school. She is also on a huge personal quest to kind of figure out how to live within the boundaries of her priorities as opposed to her priorities being to cross boundaries. One of her newer priorities is to be able to provide a safe, solid, and positive environment in which to raise her child. In the past, she has relied on her mother to kind of help make ends meet as far as care for Mason. Her mother has encountered some circumstances in her own life that are not very conducive to being able to take care of both her own child as well as Mason. Kristin was already watching Mason a few days a week, and fell in love with the little guy. We offered to assist our cousin on her journey, and turn Kristin's care of Mason into a more full time thing. The plan is for Mason to be with us while his mother is working to kind of get things a little more evened out. We do not yet have a time line. I guess this is why the whole court thing is going to be really hard for everybody involved. My cousin in every way loves her child to death. There is no doubt in my mind about that. I feel like I am breaking her heart by asking her to sign her rights of guardianship over to Kristin and I. I also feel like this is a necessary step in order to be able to take the care of Mason out of the equation and give her a smaller field of focus as far getting herself in order. The way I explained it to her was along the lines of:
“Do you ever just look around and take in everything and get intimidated or scared or flustered to the point where you do nothing and everything gets worse? I like to refer to this as a full plate. Well, let us take Mason off your plate for now, and let you address the rest of the plate. We are not stealing Mason, we are not going to hide him from you, you can visit anytime you want, you can even sleep over here in his room with him if at some point you feel like this would be a better place to spend the night. (Mason spends a couple nights a week at his mothers house) When you get things in order, he will be here, happy, healthy and still very much a part of your life, and he will be here... period. We will take care of everything on the Mason end so you can focus on you.” She agreed.
I guess that is the hard part. Knowing that we are taking this little guy in already looking forward to a day when he will move out. It really bums me out. The idea of the extreme range of bittersweet we are setting ourselves up for kind of makes me a little sick to my stomach.
I guess this is the message I would like my cousin to get regarding out date on Wednesday. As tough as this may be, I want you to know that I am rooting for you. I am here for Mason. I am here to support my family... my wife, my children, and all of those who I can assist. I don't want this to crush you. I don't want this to make you feel like a failure. As much as I may feel other wise, I don't want to keep your child forever. I would like to be in his life forever, but I also feel very strongly that nobody can provide care for a child with the same capacity as their mother, and as such, I feel like he belongs with his mother. Please, please, please, work through this. We are here for you, but we need you to do your thing too.
I hope I kept enough beans to myself. I just needed to kind of let a few out...
I was getting gassy...
Not really, but I was getting a little grumpy and unable to perform my basic daily functions as I feel like I ought to... like sleep. It's 3 Am. Goodnight.
-p