Sometimes its all just so fast.

I haven't really been up to writing lately. Work has been super busy and I have been battling with a sinus infection that makes me want to smash my hand with a hammer just to see if there is anything that can get my full attention.

Work has been busy. We are opening a new store the in the beginning of December and so we are training people like crazy at my store. It is definitely a stretch to train those people on top of the people we are training for our own store on top of keeping those who are already trained still learning and challenging themselves on top of focusing on the task at hand in spite of the constant daydreams about all of the new potential opportunities that are inherent to any growing company. However, in spite of how busy work manages to keep me, I still really enjoy it. It has been a real treat to see how much I have managed to grow as a manager and a person over the last months. I feel like this job provides something that my last one did not. It is real nice to be in an environment that inspires growth for .those who desire to grow as opposed to those who are buddies with those who are in charge.

Home has been nice. Mason is still teaching me all about everything that I never knew. I think that that is the other side of the growth coin. I have been learning so much about myself and how I respond and how I can change and how I function through the new life this guy brought with him. I am not sure if either of us was really ready for it, but I am sure that both of us are adapting swimmingly. Clover is still doing her thing. I woke up early this morning and so did she. We hung out and had breakfast together before any one else woke up. It was a real treat for me. We sat on the kitchen floor eating crackers and cereal. I wanted to take a picture of it, but it wasn't the image that I wanted to save, it was the feeling and the moment.

Maybe I should take pictures anyway... so that when I see them I don't forget about the moments. I never really thought about that before... I guess that I have never really been one for pictures. I don't know if I never really understood them or what... like I will take a picture and not download it. I cannot count on as many hands that are in house right now the number of rolls of film or disposable cameras that I have filled up and just thrown away. I mean, I share pictures... but I don't really look at them myself. Maybe I should put more thought and effort into my visual documentation of life for myself as much as others... yeah I think I will do that. You would think that after as many hours as I have spent learning how to photograph and document evidence that I would have just brought it over into my personal life without thinking about it. I guess that I have always just thought of documenting to share with others, not to keep to myself.

Soooooo.

Yep.

This is an old picture. I just downloaded the SD card a couple weeks ago. I found it after I wrote the post. Maybe I will move it to the bottom. yeah I think I am going to do that. One of the pictures and moments that I was talking about. I like it.

To Mason about Mason.

The first time I met you was while I was living in San Diego. I was on vacation, visiting my parents house, and it was Family Night. You were there with your mother and grandmother. You were between one and two. You would run around screaming and I did not know how to handle it. You had long hair, dirty hands and a sticky face. I didn't really know much about you.

Fast forward a couple of years. I moved to Salt Lake. Kristin is watching a couple of your cousins as well as Clover during the day. We get word from your Grandma that things in her life are changing, and she needs to find you a daycare. Kristin volunteers. It was supposed to be short term, while an arrangement was worked out between your aunts and uncles and mother for a more permanent home. It was kind of funny because I knew before Kristin volunteered that you were going to be a part of my life. I knew that I was going to be more involved in your life that I could really understand at the moment. As time went on, and I was able to be in your space while you spent time at our house it started to dawn on me. I don't think I understood with my head as well as I understood with my heart. You were part of my family. Not just my cousin's child, but my family. The one living in the four walls around my bed. I could see the relationship developing between you and Kristin. We would get occasional updates from your grandmother about what was going on, but not very often, or very informative. It was pretty cloudy for awhile.

I kind of think that the reason it took Kristin about a month to say something is because she was raised a little differently than I was. In spite of how she felt, she did not want to step on anybodies toes or stir things up. I didn't say anything because I wanted to find out what Kristin's heart was telling her without her knowing what I was looking to hear. Anyway, one day Kristin asked me what I thought about bringing you into our home. We had an opportunity to be the rock that I was so thankful for while I was kid... even more so in retrospect. She said she loved you as if you were her child and I knew that it was true. I kind of felt that was the plan all along, and expressed my thoughts. I told Kristin to call your grandmother and explain how she felt. I told Kristin to pour her heart out. She did. Your grandma listened. She talked to your mother. Your mother said that that was the best idea she had heard. We were excited.

After about a month or so of kind of planning and talking and kind of letting it mull over in a few heads and doing research and trying to figure out how things were going to go, we got a green light. We were filing for guardianship. You are going to be in our care.

I am as excited as I am scared. I know that this is the right place for you to be. I feel just as inadequate as I did when Clover was born. I am afraid that I won't be there for you when you need me. I am afraid that one day I may say or do something that you will hold against me. I am afraid that you may not want to learn the lessons I would like to teach you. I know that I will always do my best. I know that you will always know that I love you. I know that I am here to be a person you can look up to. It is my sincere hope that twenty years down the road you can appreciate me and my example for you the same way I appreciate my fathers. I know that ultimately all I want for you is to have a chance at being yourself and being happy and being able to handle the day to day garbage that life may shovel your way... among many other things... I don't think that I have enough space to finish this sentence.

Last Wednesday we went to court. The judge looked at us and asked Kristin who she was, then asked me who I was. I was holding you in my arms. You were looking over at your mother and Grandmother and waving and giving thumbs up the whole time. The judge said: “Everything looks in order, is there anybody who has any objections?... nope?... okay then. Let me sign this, and then take it downstairs to the clerk. They will finish it up there.” We went downstairs and got a few copies. I put one in my wallet. I am now your guardian. Wow.

The day before we went to court I was going to get your bed with your uncle Kam. You introduced me to him as your dad. I didn't really know how to take it. It still didn't quite seem real. Tonight about a week after court I was playing the guitar for you and Clover. You said “Can I have turn Dad? I want to play the Spider man song.” I almost had to stop and be like “Did anybody else hear that? Seriously? Anybody?”

I guess this is it. Ready or not. I now have a three year old. Welcome home Mason. Glad you are here. Hope you like it.

Love,

Dad.

Bloody toes before the sun is up.

"GRRRRAAAHHHHH!!!! I am so sick of kicking toys." -kb

Clover did something for the first time ever today.

My little baby is growing up. 'nuff said.

I am glad it didn't wake the baby.

This conversation happened about 10 minutes after we turned out the lights and went to bed.
It was just so funny I wanted to share.
“Hahaha SNORT”
“Whats so funny Kristin?”
“What?”
“You just laughed so hard you snorted, what's so funny? Did you think of a joke?”
“Yeah, but I was half asleep, so I forgot it.”
“What?”
“I was dreaming about the joke, and it was really funny, then I realized that I was a sleep and it was just a joke, so I woke up... Doesn't that happen to you sometimes?”
“No.”
“Huh. Well it was funny... I just forgot. Good night.”

Mason and a guitar. Good stuff.

This is one of those times when I should be asleep but am not.
It has kind of been one of those weeks when I just want to give up and let the world run me over. Maybe it has just been one of those days, and I am seeing the week in retrospect through the lens of today. I don't feel like I did my job very well at work today. I feel like it has to do with something unrelated though. You know when somebody blows up about something trivial and you know there is something else going on? I think that was my day today, but it more like blew up in my face I guess. I just couldn't really handle the little things that I usually don't even think twice about because they are so insignificant. All well. My next day will be a better day.
One day I was talking to my brother Jake about how he manages to keep up all his projects at the same time and he explained that there would be nights that I would not be able to sleep after Clover was born... I would just kind of be awake thinking about the world and worrying about crap. Tonight is one of those nights.
This is going to be a post about Mason. I would like to preface it with a statement that will help to clear up the in between the lines feelings I am hoping are expressed through this post.
Mason. I consider him my son. I call him my son. I feel like he is a son of mine, and as such, I love, treat, and care for him like... my son.
Having Mason join my family in a more intimate sense has been an adjustment to say the least. Although I would rather not go to court to be able to provide for him with the best of my abilities, it is something that must be done. The date is set for Wednesday morning. Two days away. I am not sure about how much I should share, I am kind of a compulsive bean spiller. I guess I will do my best to just keep it to the highlights. My cousin is a single mother who has been blessed with Mason at a time in her life when she is still kind of unsure who she is, and where she herself stands in this place called life. She is currently working her way through school. She is also on a huge personal quest to kind of figure out how to live within the boundaries of her priorities as opposed to her priorities being to cross boundaries. One of her newer priorities is to be able to provide a safe, solid, and positive environment in which to raise her child. In the past, she has relied on her mother to kind of help make ends meet as far as care for Mason. Her mother has encountered some circumstances in her own life that are not very conducive to being able to take care of both her own child as well as Mason. Kristin was already watching Mason a few days a week, and fell in love with the little guy. We offered to assist our cousin on her journey, and turn Kristin's care of Mason into a more full time thing. The plan is for Mason to be with us while his mother is working to kind of get things a little more evened out. We do not yet have a time line. I guess this is why the whole court thing is going to be really hard for everybody involved. My cousin in every way loves her child to death. There is no doubt in my mind about that. I feel like I am breaking her heart by asking her to sign her rights of guardianship over to Kristin and I. I also feel like this is a necessary step in order to be able to take the care of Mason out of the equation and give her a smaller field of focus as far getting herself in order. The way I explained it to her was along the lines of:
“Do you ever just look around and take in everything and get intimidated or scared or flustered to the point where you do nothing and everything gets worse? I like to refer to this as a full plate. Well, let us take Mason off your plate for now, and let you address the rest of the plate. We are not stealing Mason, we are not going to hide him from you, you can visit anytime you want, you can even sleep over here in his room with him if at some point you feel like this would be a better place to spend the night. (Mason spends a couple nights a week at his mothers house) When you get things in order, he will be here, happy, healthy and still very much a part of your life, and he will be here... period. We will take care of everything on the Mason end so you can focus on you.” She agreed.
I guess that is the hard part. Knowing that we are taking this little guy in already looking forward to a day when he will move out. It really bums me out. The idea of the extreme range of bittersweet we are setting ourselves up for kind of makes me a little sick to my stomach.
I guess this is the message I would like my cousin to get regarding out date on Wednesday. As tough as this may be, I want you to know that I am rooting for you. I am here for Mason. I am here to support my family... my wife, my children, and all of those who I can assist. I don't want this to crush you. I don't want this to make you feel like a failure. As much as I may feel other wise, I don't want to keep your child forever. I would like to be in his life forever, but I also feel very strongly that nobody can provide care for a child with the same capacity as their mother, and as such, I feel like he belongs with his mother. Please, please, please, work through this. We are here for you, but we need you to do your thing too.
I hope I kept enough beans to myself. I just needed to kind of let a few out...
I was getting gassy...
Not really, but I was getting a little grumpy and unable to perform my basic daily functions as I feel like I ought to... like sleep. It's 3 Am. Goodnight.
-p