I am starting to get a little nervous about this whole everything. I am realizing that there are so many things that can go wrong. I am moving across two states, over 600 miles… with a one month old baby. No, I have not even had the baby yet… I mean I know that I am not having the baby, but my wife is, so I kind of figure myself as having the baby by proxy… as the birthing coach… I am going to be a dad… that makes it my baby too… even though my wife is having it… Ohhhh man. Less than two more weeks until the due date. Sheesh.
I have been having nightmares lately… about everything that can go wrong. After everything goes wrong, or at least doesn’t go right in my dreams, I usually have a drink or smoke, in my dreams to finish off the night. *sidenote: I have not done either in over four years, since July 2005* The last time I was so stressed out I had get drunk in my dreams was when I found out I was going to lose my position at work.
Sometimes I am a little shocked by how my body handles stress. When I was a teenager, I would just get an upset stomach, same with pretty much up until the last couple of years. Now I am getting drunk in my nightmares and breaking out all over the place and not sleeping and getting heartburn and all that crap. If this is growing up, I don’t know if I am ready for it… or at least my body anyway.
It seems like there is giant fader in my life that has been moving from the EXCITED side to the NERVOUS side over the last nine months. I mean I am still excited, but it is getting harder and harder to ignore the parts of me that are worrying about the future, and I know that this is something that happens regularly, having a baby, but all the same… it kind of reminds me of like when I was a teenager and I would be like “You don’t understand, you can’t understand, you aren’t me, you are just my dad. You don’t even know what its like.” Hah ha, yeah right. Wow! I am so glad I got that out…
This has really put it in perspective. I am excited, and I do know that it is all going to be all right. I know that my wife and I have been planning very carefully the events about to unfold in our lives; I guess it is just human of me to kind of be scared of it all. I also realize that I have not completely mastered my fatalistic imagination. Phewf.
If you were here, I would say, wow this has been a really nice chat. Thanks for being there and letting me voice my concerns, and ultimately realize some of the absurdity about what is going through my mind. You’re awesome… thanks.
-p
2 comments:
Yes, you are the best Dad ever Clover could have, also the best husband for Kristin. John recently said (after witnessing the birth of Penelope) In the pre-existence, we got asked if we were willing to go through with birthing a baby and if the answer was no, you got put in the man pile. I thought it was very telling.
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