Sometimes despair sets in out of the blue.

Maybe the internet isn’t the best outlet for some things. Whatever.

I feel like I may have tapped into some of the emotional instability that comes with pregnancy. To this day I have experienced cravings, aches and weight gain, all of which I am attributing to empathy pains. Tonight I couldn’t sleep. Kristin and I were discussing plans of which cannot be made public yet, and the discussion took us late into the night. I finally got on the computer at about 12:15 am this morning because when I get on the computer my wife falls asleep, much like taking a baby on a car ride. Anyway, she had sweet little crying session a little earlier tonight. I was sitting here playing solitaire, getting myself tired as I was putting my wife to sleep. What happened? Yep, if you guessed that I started crying for no reason whatsoever than you guessed right. Good job. I am seriously wiping my face as I am typing through the blurs right now. I don’t understand it. I mean, I guess I was thinking about some old but maybe still kind of sensitive stuff, but seriously. I have never cried while thinking about my flight from the 801 before. Why would I start now, literally years after the fact? I mean I guess there are a few things about my trip that I never really told anybody. For me personally, it was an act of self preservation. I was in “really poor space” as Blaine, my weekend counselor at the Utah Boys Ranch, would have put it. I needed to leave. In retrospect I see that I may have burnt a few bridges with my abrupt departure. There are quite a few wounds that I left gaping open on myself as well as others. I have thought many times over through various apology conversations or explainations with people I left behind. I have imagined many times what it would have been like if I could have taken some people with me, or even just left under different circumstances. There have been many occasions when I have thought about how much I did really leave in that valley. Of what I did leave, the majority of it is stuff that I wish to never have to deal with again. The only problem is that some of the stuff I left behind kinda stings me every now and then. I’m feeling like that right now is one of those times. Maybe it will be easier for me to sleep now that I have thought it all out. My nose is still a little stuffy, but my eyes have stopped running. This pregnancy thing is tough. I would totally trade the way I feel now for a trip to the grocery store for butter finger ice cream and dill pickles. I have always understood that I am an empath to an extent, but some times I wish that I could just turn it off.